areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Randomize
