I haven't been this sober since birth.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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