I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
we made out on top of his cat.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
