1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
