dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
im holly from the hills drunk
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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