I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
