so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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