Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Randomize
