i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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