you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
