goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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