I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
