yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
