Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
