I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
