I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
