She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I want a musical about memes.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize