4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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