Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
