Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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