true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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