If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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