It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Randomize
