I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
You can't special order awesome
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
