I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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