Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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