girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
