Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Randomize
