dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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