he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
