How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
