Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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