Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
