Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
My Sexting was not on an AP level
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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