Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
