Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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