Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Ketchup is God's man juice
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Fuck me I smell like cheese
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
