I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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