i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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