woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
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