: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
