peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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