The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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