I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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