He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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