my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
