yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
