Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
