WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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