don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
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A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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