I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
