my room smells like sperm. sweet.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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