Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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