trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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