How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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