Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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