i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
