and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
