glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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